How I Met The Devil

So this blog was inspired by the worst boss in the history of the universe. We have many names for him (most are r rated), but for this blog post I will refer to him as the Mortgage Devil.

My first eight months in the mortgage business were relatively uneventful. I didn't have a lot of business because I was new so I probably only closed 4-5 loans a month for somewhere between $500,000 and $750,000 in volume. I didn't work much and I didn't really care about making more money.

Three strange and unrelated events conspired to result in more business for me which in turn made me more ambitious. First, my friend who got me into the business left for another brokerage. Turns out, she didn't have access to as many loan products so she started sending me referrals. Second, and this is totally true, one of my colleagues breast implant ruptured (it sounds funny but could have been fatal so stop laughing) and she was out for quite awhile. At first I worked for free on all her loans while she was recuperating, but after two months of that, she decided not to come back and all her customers and real estate agents started referring me business. Third, and this was the tipping point, I met a real estate agent who was friends with the Mortgage Devil. The Mortgage Devil was one of the most successful and well known loan officers not only regionally but nationally.

Suddenly business was pouring in. The real estate agent started sending me business the Mortgage Devil couldn't do. I went from doing 4-5 loans to 12-15 and my income went from about $4,000 a month to $15,000 a month. Then the Mortgage Devil contacts me to do a loan for him. I was able to finance investment properties with no down payment and he wanted to buy a rental house in a resort market. This moment forever changed my life. With the man's tax returns in my possession, I suddenly realized that the industry I was in was incredibly lucrative. I was shocked to discover that he made more a year than coaches in the NFL, his 401K I was pretty sure I could have lived on and never work again. I began to covet.

The Mortgage Devil started calling me trying to get me to go to work for his bank as a loan officer. I was flattered, but wary. I was on the fence about it because I had a lot of freedom and was comfortable where I was plus I was scared to go play in the Devil's sandbox.

One totally unexpected event forced my hand. I turned 30 and the president of my company was in town. I invited him to my friend's house for the party they were having for me. Turns out the man could drink, and drink he did. He drank nearly all of one of my birthday presents, a rather terrific bottle of Patron Tequila. Here's where the going got weird. We didn't think he could drive so I took his stumbling self up to my friend's guest room. He dropped his pants and skibbies and instructed me to "Touch It". I ran downstairs, chugged some wine, and told my girlfriend.

Awhile later we checked and he had passed out on the floor, junk exposed and pants around ankles. Holy Awkwardness. The next morning he came downstairs, grabbed a cup of coffee and headed out. I on the other hand, chose to not go into the office to avoid him and worked furiously with my loan processor to get the Mortgage Devil's loan to close that day. I decided that since I couldn't imagine ever respecting the president of my company again I would see what I could get the Devil to offer me to cross to the dark side.

Typically when you are recruited by a mortgage company you give them all your commission statements so they can determine what kind of incentive package they will give you. Since the Mortgage Devil seemed desperate to get me there and my commission statements would not support the volume of business he was under the impression I had been consistently doing, I bluffed. I told him if he wanted me he would make me an offer with no documentation, basically like all the no doc loans I was closing. He bit, told me it was unorthodox (which it totally is), and offered me $20,000 to buy out my pipeline (this is a loan officer's future stream of loan closings)and guaranteed commission of $5,000 per month for 6 months. I had been in the business one year and had just been offered $50,000 as a signing bonus just to change companies. I signed the paperwork and resigned from my current company via email.

The negotiation was the only time I had the power in my relationship with the Devil until I left his bank. The time A. Hole and I spent there and the experiences we had will shock the hell out of you, don't miss it. At the very least, your current boss will look fantastic in comparison to the Devil.