Here on Gilligan's Island

I joined the Bank of Hell after five hours of face-to-face meetings with the Mortgage Devil. I was sold on how wonderful things were in Hell and how I could be part of a “team” and make lots of money. Everything sounded great…a team that was trained to complete your loans quickly, lots of loan products to sell, I would be given a certain amount of the “up-calls” (people calling in just to check rates and terms on loans) and I would work with Bank branch referrals in our area.

I was leaving behind my antiquated small Bank for a shiny new toy, the grass was greener, blah, blah, blah. I was frustrated by my current employer’s lack of moving towards technology available in the industry and the fact that I would have to wait 10 years (at least) to get a promotion. The next step up for me would have been to run the Mortgage Department. The person that held that job currently had no plans to retire within the next decade. He was basically riding the gravy train…being paid handsomely for doing very little. In his situation, why would he retire? Two meetings a week and a few loans a month is all he did. Ohh, I almost forgot the frequent smoke breaks he took while walking around the building. I often thought he must have incriminating evidence against the President of this small bank. Perhaps a photo of him “bending” an intern over his desk (or something similar). While some might think I am just being a smart-ass about this alleged photo…my thoughts about this photo are grounded in reality. While I was an employee of this small Bank, the President held a tearful staff meeting to announce that he was being accused of sexual harassment by a female teller that had quit and filed charges. I think the case was settled out of court. Anyway, it is not a far stretch that this photo exists.

So, I resign from my current job. That did not go well. Once I announced that I was going to work with the Mortgage Devil I was basically kicked out of the Bank. I had a company car at this Bank and I was told to turn over the keys right on the spot and hand over my cell phone. Basically,this sucked because the cell phone was in the Banks name and I had no ride home. So, I walked down the street to a friend’s office and called a cab. A lot of my referral sources had my cell phone number and this created the headache of distributing my new number to everyone. Advice to anyone in sales…ALWAYS make sure the cell phone is in your name and the company pay you a cell phone allowance each month instead of the company paying for the cell phone directly and having the phone number in their name.

I spent the weekend preparing for my new job. I had to gather my contact list, I had to get a new cell phone, and prepare to transfer for my business over to the Bank of Hell. After the long weekend, I show up with my pile of papers and files.

I head right up to the mortgage division and the over-baked fake tanned Receptionist is on the phone. She transfers a call and smiles at me and asks, “May I help you”. I tell her my name and announce that I am the new Loan Officer starting today. The smile instantly turns into a look of annoyance and disgust. The first words out of her mouth “Great…another new one. I have no idea where they are going to put you”?

Whaaaat?? No idea where they are going “to put me”? Where is my office, desk, laptop, keys to the kingdom? So, I wait several minutes while she goes into the back. I have no idea what she is doing, talking to the Operations Manager, talking to the Mortgage Devil, taking a nip of Vodka….who knew? She comes back out and without any words to me, starts answering the phones again. Ok, I am feeling stupid at this point.

Finally, the Operations Manager (Op’s Manager) comes out and asks me to come back to her office. Her “office” is basically a walk-in closet in the corner. Since I am a larger individual I have to wedge myself in sideways to sit across from her at the desk. She asks me to fill out a bunch of paperwork, forms, etc. Informs me they are ordering a laptop and passwords. Ok, soooo….basically no one knew I was coming. I guess the red carpet was in an off-site storage space (more on that another day). No balloons or confetti for my arrival?

She then shows me my office…err desk. It is basically part shelf/part table that is set up in a middle of a walkway. No walls or even cubicle walls. I did have a phone but no chair. They found a chair that was currently being used in the lunchroom to use. So, I left a private office with a cherry desk and leather chair for a shelf/desk and a lunchroom cast off chair.

I feel like I am out on an island. I am trying to make calls and there is a constant parade of people walking past. They are constantly talking on their headsets like they are the old "Time-Life" operators from the commercials many years ago. After a few hours of this...I realize...I made a mistake. This is a joke. Except it is not funny to me because the joke is on me. Here I am....a prize new recruit stuck "Here on Gilligan's Island".