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It was later in the afternoon during my first day at the Bank of Hell that the Mortgage Devil finally appeared. He had a few minutes between calls and wanted to share with me how his wonderful system of NEVER missing a closing date works. Bottom line, he wanted to show me the secret to his success. I am curious about this system. He does close a lot of loans.
What it is it you ask? Well…it is a big-ass “Whiteboard”. My reaction…a Whiteboard??!! Seriously?? This is the Secret of his Success. A freakin’ Whiteboard? So, what exactly does this magical Whiteboard do? Nothing. It is a calendar….on a Whiteboard. To be fair, it is a color coded calendar on a Whiteboard. Here is how the magic happens…he takes a marker and writes the customers last name on the date when they are supposed to close on their loan. That’s it. Seriously, that is it.
The color coding came into play as in each Loan Officer has their own marker color. Since I was the last one aboard the U.S.S. Bank of Hell the color that was left for me was brown. Turd brown. I do have a brown tone to my skin, so the marker sort of matched my skin tone. How nice.
I stood there in my shirt and tie looking at the magical Whiteboard. Basically, I felt like Dorothy when she arrived at Oz and discovered that mighty and powerful Oz was just a man behind a curtain pulling levers. The curtain had been pulled back and it revealed a Whiteboard…and colored markers.
Then I was whisked around the office to officially meet the Devil’s Minions. His staff was dressed like they were getting junk ready for a yard sale. I was way overdressed for this place. My reception was less than warm when I arrived…my shelf/desk was on an island…I was underwhelmed by the secret of the Devil’s success…and now I am apparently overdressed. I felt a little like Ben Stiller in the movie “There’s Something about Mary” when he goes to pick up for Mary for Prom. I rang the doorbell and the step-dad (receptionist in my case) wonders why I am here. I had that moment of feeling that I am “all dressed up and no one knows I am supposed to here”. Except in the movie they were “just fucking with” Ben Stiller and “busting his chops”. In my case, they really did not know I was supposed to be there or why I was there. The feeling that I had a made a mistake coming to the Bank of Hell had just increased ten-fold. At least I didn’t get my dick caught in my zipper in the bathroom that day.
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The magical whiteboard, I get nostalgic just thinking about it. I remember writing a settlement on the board that had to be pushed back due to some incompetency on the part of my least favorite of his minions. He chewed my ass out about the sanctity of the settlement board and that I shouldn't write it on there unless I was absolutely sure it would close or it would fuck everything up. As he is giving me this ridiculous ass chewing, two of his loans are blowing up and are being rescheduled. When I went to the other branch I had my own whiteboard and I wrote whatever the fuck I felt like on it. I even made up customers names I didn't have and put them down for settlement dates...because I am an asshole like that.
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