Me and A. Hole

This blog is a complete clusterfuck.  I swore it would be chronological but then I have used it as a platform to bitch about the consolidation of banking and the government's role in the housing crisis.  I have determined the format to be FUBAR and thus, I have decided today I will blog about what I feel like.  After all, this is my blog.

It is common knowledge that A.Hole and I were not friends at first sight.  The Barbie Doll's return prompted us to be friends because fear and uncertainty are powerful motivators.  I promised a month ago to blog about the infamous "Sitdown" that entrenched us as allies, but I didn't.  Check out The Bitch is Back if you don't know the back story.  I guess my check back tomorrow really meant, "Wander back in a month or so, I might or might not actually tell you what happened."

The Mortgage Devil called a meeting with his boss, a guy so salesman slick that every single time I saw him I was reminded of the scene in The Outlaw Josey Wales with the dude on the ferry who changed his tune depending on which side was on the raft.   The meeting is going to be with me, A. Hole, the Douchebag from Josey Wales, Barbie, and the Mortgage Devil.  For weeks the Mortgage Devil had been prepping us on all we should be upset about and vent to our superiors and he told us all the concerns he would raise at the meeting.  Let me be clear, when the Mortgage Devil called a meeting, I usually didn't attend.  On the rare occasions I did, I would stroll in late and look annoyed and spend the majority of the meeting fantasizing about being a pirate or being drunk at Happy Hour.    This meeting however, was important for my career.  Or at least that was the bullshit story I was fed.

I rolled in early and eight months pregnant, wearing a strapless dress as a skirt.  I was wearing a shirt, I swear.  The Barbie introduces herself and asks, "Wow, do you always look this great pregnant?"  I respond, "It is hard to say, this is only my second time."  She doesn't seem to be the dragon slayer I was expecting; in fact, she seems awfully nice and wanting to impress.  I find it hard to hate her during our small talk and now, I am confused.

Before the meeting the Mortgage Devil goes over the things he is concerned for us for and encourages A. Hole and I to tell the slick seersucker suit wearing asshole from Josey Wales everything he has said.  We walk into the most awkward meeting of all time.  The Barbie and The Devil haven't been in the same room for months.  There are rumors all around that the demise of their partnership was a sordid affair which led to her rapid departure and this fact is not lost on me or A.Hole as we sit down to face our future.

The meeting starts and the Mortgage Devil tells seersucker suit guy that his best loan officers have concerns.  A. Hole and I elucidate the concerns we have been fed by the Mortgage Devil and then wait for him to back us up, and we wait.  He gives his boss, Seersucker Carpetbagger, a glance that looks to be saying, "Look at these whiny bitches, you deal with it."  Here is where it goes awry.  Seersucker Carpet Bagger tells us in not so polite terms that we are in fact, whiny bitches, and we need to get on board.  He regales us with stories of loan officers who prosper in competitive markets and wonders why we suffer from such low self esteem that we would be threatened by Barbie's return.  The Barbie Doll seems hurt and defensive and reassures us that she wants life to be good for us and has no idea why would be worried about her hurting our business or happiness.  A. Hole and I are so floored we say nothing, which is an absolute oddity and a freaking miracle.  We endure a twenty minute lecture where our boss, the Mortgage Devil, nods his head at every critical thing the Seersucker Carpet Bagger tells us.  We have been thrown under the bus.  The Mortgage Devil set us up to look like whiny bitches and get shit off his chest and then turned coat on us and played Polly fucking Anna.  Surprising?  Nope.  Disappointing?  Hell Yes.

I get in my Volvo, the official car of libertarian loan officers, and immediately call A.Hole on his cell phone.  We are both furious and ranting and raving. A. Hole and I both realized we were completely set up and our higher ups now were laboring under the impression that we were scared little fear mongers with no competitive spirit.  The Mortgage Devil had slipped one by us and nothing is more painful than that.

I was so upset by the tongue lashing of the Seersucker Carpetbagger that I called my Operations Manager, the Enabler, and threatened to quit.  She reassured me that everything would be fine and that the Mortgage Devil was just trying to make things right by me and A. Hole.  Extremely pregnant, I realize I won't be fighting  this battle at the moment and so I stew.  I spend the last month of my pregnancy marketing and closing loans and on a Friday, send out a bunch of cold call letters to realtors touting my awesome abilities to get loans done at the Bank of Hell.

That Sunday, I give birth to my daughter.  But not before my operations manager holds a baby shower for me at the Bank of Hell where everyone hates me, or at least does a shitty job of pretending to be my friend.  A. Hole is not invited or he doesn't show up.  Wait a minute, why didn't you show up Fucker?  I digress....at said baby shower, the Mortgage Devil entertains us with stories of how he has missed almost all of his kid's firsts and great moments due to his commitment to the mortgage industry.  He goes on to tell stories of when he has mortified his kids in public because he is such an asshole.  I was miserable at my baby shower because the Mortgage Devil used it as a platform to talk all about him, as usual.

A.Hole and I became friends because of the Barbie and the extreme foulness of the Mortgage Devil, but when I returned from so called, "Maternity Leave", they put us in the cave together.  Big mistake, morons.  Big Mistake.  That is when the shit hit the fan.  Stay tuned, I may get around to that story tomorrow....or not.