Bad Santa...

For today’s entry I wanted to keep it light and a little humorous. For some reason I was thinking about the first Christmas I spent with the Bank of Hell. When I first joined the Bank of Hell, I remember sitting in the lunchroom and someone was bragging about the great Christmas party the Bank of Hell had last year. It was held at the Hyatt….the rooms were paid for, dinner paid for, open bar, massages (insert happy ending joke here), gifts were waiting in their rooms, they paid for your spouse to attend, blah, blah, blah.

I was getting ready to make a smart-ass remark that I would pay to keep my spouse at home…but I was abruptly “shushed” because the commercials were over and “The Young and the Restless” was back on. A rule that I quickly learned at the Bank of Hell was that between 1:00 p.m. and 2:00 p.m. everyday the office shut down as far as processing and closing loans. All of the Minions gathered around a crappy 13” TV in the break room with “rabbit ears” for reception to watch that shitty Soap Opera. If you happened to take lunch at that time you could NOT speak during the show…only during the commercials.

So, times passed and the Minions awaited their invitations to this Christmas Party. As Thanksgiving rolled around they waited and waited. Nothing. Most of them have worked for the Mortgage Devil for years and know he does everything at the last minute despite his Magic Whiteboard that never misses a closing date (sarcasm inserted for effect). I am thinking…he forgot to organize the thing. But he has an Assistant that takes care of things like that for him…with a bit of eye-rolling…when he asks her to handle events. I am thinking he forgot about Christmas for he is the Mortgage Devil and Christmas is celebrating his arch-enemy Jesus’ birth… so it is low on his priority list. During this time, the Mortgage Devil is focused on how many loans he can cram down the Minions throats before the end of the year because he has a competitor nipping at his heels for the Top Producer Award. Nothing devastates the Mortgage Devil more in life than losing that award.

But I digress…finally a week before Christmas and the Bitchy Receptionist sends a mass email to the office that went something like this:

The Mortgage Devil is taking us to watch a depressing movie followed by dinner at a half-assed Steak House. Be there or feel the wrath.

Obviously, I took a little liberty with the email but it is basically the “Cliff Notes” version of what had been planned for the evening. We are told to be at the Theater at 4:00 p.m. to watch the movie “The Family Stone”. It is a fine movie…but here is what happened. I am sitting near the Mortgage Devil who is constantly checking voice mail during the movie which is obviously annoying and distracting. I don’t want to spoil the movie for anyone who hasn’t seen it, but honestly it was released almost 5 years ago, and if you haven’t watched it yet….you probably won’t ever see it. The mom in the movie dies of breast cancer…yeah, a real “pick me up” during the holidays. To make matters worse the Minion two seats down from me is sobbing and balling her eyes out. After we leave the movie, I learn from another Minion that she just lost her sister a couple of months ago to breast cancer….wow! That sucks. To be fair, the Mortgage Devil had no idea about this turn in the movie when it was picked (and I doubt he even picked the movie)... But…sheesh…that sure put a damper on the evening. Then we were on our way to the half-assed Steak House.

I am the only one that has ordered a cocktail at this dinner. Great…I am drinking alone…which made me feel a little awkward. So, I go around the room mentally and to try to figure why each person isn’t drinking. The first Minion just really isn’t a drinker. She is a hard worker but not a real exciting person outside the office. The next one used to be a drinker (I hear) but supposedly left her husband because he drank too much. But the truth was her ex-husband always drank too much and she was just bored with him and wanted to hook up with a Pastor instead (yes, all of this is true). Sitting next to her…hmmm…I know she has a wild side and to borrow a line from “The Family Stone” will “fly her freak flag” on occasion so what was up? I ask her quietly. She doesn’t feel comfortable drinking in front of the Mortgage Devil. I get it…sorta’. I have zero respect for him at this point nor do I care what he thinks of me…so…fuck it, I am drinking on his dime.

After the food and ice-teas are consumed, it is Christmas present time. So, what does the Mortgage Devil get for his staff for Christmas? He does earn between $1 and $2 million a year at this point. Well…crappy DVD’s from the bin at the Dollar Tree. No, I am not shitting you. I got a “Laurel and Hardy” DVD from him. What…the…fuck? I am not 75 years old. Seriously….Dollar Store DVD’s.

Merry Fucking Christmas!