When Bat Shit Crazy Became The New Black

In the fall of 2005, I came to realize that bat shit crazy was pervasive.  Not just in my industry, or my office, but basically throughout my entire world.  It didn't take me long to realize that the Mortgage Devil had every personality disorder ever named and probably a few unique to him that he should have proprietary rights to naming.  The Bank of Hell was a nightmare and the Mortgage Devil laughed with delight.

I was hanging out in my own branch alone and minding my own business when A. Hole strolls in one day and sits down in the office next to me and starts unpacking shit like he is planning on staying.  He starts eating fried chicken and checking the Washington Redskins message board.  I can see the fucker because our two offices had some kind of weird sliding glass window between them, which might of come in handy except we have nothing to pass each other but dirty looks.  I am pissed.  My sanctuary away from the craziness of the other branch has been invaded by another loan officer who is eating my least favorite food and is by the way, not even a fan of my favorite football team.  Boo.  The phone rings and he actually answers it, "Bank of Hell Mortgage, A.Hole speaking."  Now I'm really mad because I have been alone in this branch for months and that is my phone and if there is a loan waiting on the other end well, it is mine and all mine.

Why did I hate A. Hole so much in the beginning?  The answer is because of the Mortgage Devil and the ultra competitive and paranoia rich environment he created.  The Mortgage Devil was a Top 20 producer in the entire nation that year which is a huge deal in an industry with a plethora of assholes originating loans.  I don't want to give the impression that I think all loan officers are assholes, there really are a lot of decent people in the industry, I just didn't get to meet too many of them.  This is akin to hearing how beautiful New Jersey is but then you spend your whole time on the turnpike and wonder if there are secret places that non residents are not allowed to see. 

When I was hired I was promised my own office and branch and basically no competition.  Then one day, I get called to the main branch of the Bank of Hell and there sits Curly Sue, A.Hole, and this third loan officer that I call the Quaker.  I really don't know what religion the Quaker was even though A.Hole has told me like twenty times, I just know that he didn't really swear or drink and even though he was some strict puritan he ogled all the Mortgage Devil's assistants like he was trying to figure out where to stick his dollar bills.  I hated them all at first sight. 

Really, it was bad enough to have to compete with the Mortgage Devil in our market.  Then throw in his old partner, a Top 100 national producer,  who had jumped ship and I was basically trying to break a cartel.  Now I have to compete with three more loan officers in my own company against my own boss?  I saw recently that there was an article about the Mortgage Devil from back in the day that was praising his aggressiveness and determination and the quote was, "You would not want to have him in your territory!".  No shit, I don't even want him on my planet.

So my anger about the new loan officers was because I knew something that they didn't.  In my naivety I had assumed that feudalism died in the middle ages when in fact, it was alive at the Bank of Hell and the Mortgage Devil was the Lord.  Apparently the fact that the Mortgage Devil made money on every loan the loan officers did underneath him was not enough for him, nor were the accolades and awards, nor the $125,000 monthly income.  It seems that the Mortgage Devil's narcissism also made him think that every loan one of his loan officers did really should have been his.  He would take our commission statements and go down them line by line to see what loan(s) he could take from us and put in his name.  It was like a tax on us poor serfs for the privilege of working for the worst boss ever.

The first time this happened to me I am sitting in my sanctuary by the sea when the phone rings and the Mortgage Devil is on the other end.  It was a little like this:

Turdy:  "Bank of Hell Mortgage, This is Turdy."

Mortgage Devil:  "Turdy, I have been going over your commission statement and we need to talk." 

Turdy:  "I thought I had a good month considering I have only been here for a few months."

Mortgage Devil:  "I think you had too good of a month, there are some loans on here that I'm wondering how you stole from me."

Turdy:  "Stole from you?  I'm sorry, I have no idea what you are talking about."

Mortgage Devil:  "Well lets start with this loan for Mr. Smith.  I talked to a Mr. Smith last month about doing a loan for him and then I see you close a loan for someone with the last name Smith.  What am I supposed to think?"

Turdy:  "Perhaps, that Smith is a very common name."

Mortgage Devil:  "Hmm, well tell me how you got that loan and this other one for the real estate agent, whats her name, Judy."

Turdy:  "Well the Smith loan was a referral from a loan officer I used to work with that couldn't get the loan done at her company, the guy used to work with her husband.  The Judy loan I got because she is one of my best friends and we play golf together, in fact we are meeting for happy hour and appetizers later."

Mortgage Devil:  "Well I had a deal with Judy last year, why wouldn't she ask me to do her loan?"

Turdy:  "Probably because she is one of my best friends??"

Mortgage Devil:  "You should know I keep an eye out for this stuff.  I guess you can keep the Judy loan commission but I'm going to have to take the Smith loan because I can't have stuff like this going on in my branches.  How am I supposed to trust you?"

Turdy:  "You can't take that loan, you never even talked to the guy.  He is a friend of a friend.  I was counting on that commission to pay bills and buy Christmas presents."

Well he took that loan and many more from me during my stay in the feudal system of Hell.  Here is a man making 1.5 million a year who is stealing $2,000 commissions from his loan officers to boost his numbers so he can get more awards and inflate his ego some more.  After I left the Bank of Hell I calculated that he had taken more than $25,000 in commission away from me in one year, on loans that were legitimately mine.  You couldn't complain about it to anyone because all the Senior Veeps loved their Top Producer and the Mortgage Devil could do no wrong.

This is why I hated all the other loan officers, including A. Hole.  I knew that it was going to be even harder to make money if we were all competing for the Mortgage Devil's sloppy seconds.  It took time for me to not feel resentful of the competition from A. Hole in part because the Mortgage Devil wanted it that way and also, the Redskins thing was kind of hard for a fanatical Bears fan.  If A. Hole had been a Packers fan or a Vikings fan, I can promise you that this blog wouldn't exist.

I have to close with a note on the Quaker.  Even though I couldn't stand him when we worked together, I have developed a respect for him now that is pretty special.  When the Quaker left the Bank of Hell he pulled the ultimate coup on the Mortgage Devil.  He bought the domain name of the real name of the Mortgage Devil.  If you type in www.insertrealnamehere.com you are transported to the Quaker's website with a huge picture of the Quaker and testimonials to his greatness as a mortgage ho.  Priceless move, out deviling the devil.  You are alright, Quaker, you are alright.